The Washington Independent - U.S. news and politics - washingtonindependent.com: Stories by Christopher Corbett

THE JAUNDICED EYE: First Responder

Christopher Corbett — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 05:03:08 GMT

Photo Credit: Associated Press

“The massage therapist's first call on finding a lifeless Heath Ledger wasn't to 911. Nor was her second. Nor her third, police said. A day before a Friday private viewing for the 28-year-old actor, police said the masseuse spent nine minutes repeatedly ringing "Full House" actress Mary-Kate Olsen before calling authorities for help. The masseuse called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived — at the same time as Olsen's security guards.”
--The Associated Press

The tragic death of the Australian actor Heath Ledger last week in a Soho loft and the subsequent news that Mary-Kate Olsen was contacted before the police has resulted in a series of revelations showing the former child star playing a pivotal role in a number of national and world events.

An examination of a series of incidents in the past decade alone reveal that before police or fire fighters were notified in emergencies, Mary-Kate Olsen and two women identified only as a housekeeper and a masseuse were called.

“Why a housekeeper and a masseuse would be involved in situations ranging from national defense to medical emergencies is a fair question,” an entertainment industry source told The Washington Independent.

For example, on the evening that the actor Mel Gibson was arrested for drunken driving, an event that triggered a bizarre anti-Semitic tirade, Malibu police have now acknowledged that Gibson’s first phone call was to Olsen. She told Gibson she would send her “private security forces.”

During a series of high-profile incidents involving the actress Lindsey Lohan, insiders familiar with her problems have said that Mary-Kate Olsen was the first to be called, and again the 21-year-old star of the former hit television series, “Full House” vowed to send her “private security forces” to sort out the problem. Hollywood insiders say that a speed dial to Olsen's cell phone is essential. The actor Kiefer Sutherland, released this week after serving a 48-day jail sentence for drunken driving, was said to have first called Olsen and her “private security forces” when he was arrested.

Olsen has not confined her first responders’ role to Hollywood celebrities and their misadventures. When the U.S. energy giant Enron went bankrupt in late 2001, the first persons contacted by then-CEO Ken Lay were Mary-Kate Olsen, then only 15 years old, and the aforementioned housekeeper and masseuse. Naturally, Olsen sent her “private security forces.”

Authorities in France last week noted that when first word of the rogue trader crisis at Societe Generale broke, French financial experts called Mary-Kate Olsen. Insiders familiar with what is believed to be the biggest financial fraud in history said Olsen’s inability to speak fluent French delayed her response. She did, however, offer to send her “private security forces.”

Experts at Interpol - who spoke on condition of anonymity – told The Washington Independent that there were standing orders at Buckingham Palace, The Hague and the Vatican to “contact Mary-Kate Olsen” and her “private security forces” in the event of a crisis. Olsen is said to be on standby should the Kennedys need her and her “private security force.”

Sources familiar with Olsen’s movements have said that her “private security forces” were on call to back up U.S. troops at Guantanamo. They also provide backup to private military contractors in Iraq and neighboring Afghanistan.

Olsen – who became fabulously wealthy as a child star – was also said to own a significant piece of Blackwater Worldwide, a military contractor. The revelation about Olsen’s “private security forces” has stunned military analysts who said she was “under the radar” as far as we are concerned.

According to insiders, the waif-like Olsen, who has been linked to international arms dealers, operates “like a warlord.”

“She has this private army of commandos --some are former Blackwater and Navy Seals -- who work for her round-the-clock. Think Lara Croft,” a source told The Washington Independent. Assisted only by the unnamed housekeeper and a masseuse, Olsen and her “private security forces” are said to have the ability to mobilize anywhere on the globe at any time.

In Vatican City, the normally staid L’Osservatore Romano, confirmed that Mary-Kate Olsen’s cell phone number was on the pope’s speed dial. Vatican insiders also said the Holy See was in preliminary talks to replace the traditional Swiss Guard with Olsen’s “private security forces.” Miss Olsen’s friendship with the pontiff dates to a guest appearance the leader of the world’s 1.1 billion Roman Catholics made on "The Adventures of Mary-Kate & Ashley."

At week’s end, the New York Daily News reported that the family of vanished British tot Madeleine McCann was in negotiations to develop a film, said to be worth millions, based on the disappearance of the child last year in Portugal. Entertainment industry sources told The Washington Independent that it was no surprise that the project involved Olsen who planned to both produce, direct and star as the missing four-year-old.

Christopher Corbett, a humorist and non-fiction writer, is the author of "Orphans Preferred: The Twisted Tale and Lasting Legend of the Pony Express." His work has appeared in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times and The Washington Post. He is the winner of the James Thurber award.

Unending Campaign Trail

Christopher Corbett — Fri, 09 May 2008 19:58:03 GMT

I was telling my grandson the other day that I remember when Hillary Rodham Clinton first started her primary campaign she told us that she warn’t no quitter. Well, sir, that boy was not even born that year, and he’s graduating college come June. Don’t time fly?

Quit? That gal don’t know the meaning of quit. Of course nowadays you pretty much see her only on cable access stations. She does a lot of ribbon cuttings. Maybe the boat show.

It’s sort of a nostalgia thing. Young people not even old enough to remember when she first campaigned against Barack Obama will go see her. It’s like going to see the Marvelettes or Martha and The Vandellas. Or one of them old rock n’ roll acts when all of the actual members of the band are long dead but someone owns the rights to the deal and they keep playing Holstein Days and the Turnip Festival.

It's been a few years now since she was banned for life from every truck stop in America. The Teamsters saw to that. I can’t say I blame ‘em. That gal was getting to be a damn nuisance. Truckers come in to a place like that, they want to filler up, get a hot shower, take a nap, maybe have bite to eat. They are not interested in hearing about the North American Free Trade Agreement. There’s another answer to a trivia quiz. They put up with that for a good while, but 20 years is a long time.

She had her campaign bus for a long time. It was pretty beat up. But the damn thing broke down and there really wasn’t any money to fix it so, as I understand it, she just takes the bus. Apparently she has an agreement with Greyhound NOT to campaign on the bus. Seems folks was finding that a might tiresome. Going to see your grandma in Hastings or taking the bus to Ogallala and this lady’d be on the bus campaigning for the Democratic primary. The what?

She still speaks a fair bit at nursing homes. Old people always did like her. They're not doing anything much and, hell, it’s free. One day, they got Pastor Bob and his slides of Guatemala; next day, the lady from the County Extension Service talking about jam, and then Hillary Clinton. She’ll auction off an old pants suit for charity. She’s got dozens of them outfits. Most of the folks up at the nursing home seem to actually enjoy her talks. It passes the time. She’ll take any questions, too. Some even remember her.

Bless her heart, she still works the hinterland. Kiwanis, Rotary, Lions Clubs, the Knights of Pythias, the Patrons of Husbandry, the International Order of Odd Fellows. Pretty much anyone who’ll give her an open mike. Luncheons are good because they’re short and she sure can talk. Hasn’t slowed down one iota, no sire. She can talk like a macaw.

Some of her message is a little dated. Hell, we’ve been out of Iraq for 16 or more years now. We don’t use gas now so that’s kind of non-issue, I suppose. You have to explain to young people what the hell gas was.

She can’t get any attention overseas. French won’t let her in the country. But the pope agreed to see her. A little face time with the first serious woman candidate from a major party to run for president won’t cost him anything.

The government still offers her round-the-clock Secret Service protection, but those guys aren’t really first team. Last year she was actually missing for four days. Lost her in the Mall of America up in Minnesota. They had no idea where the hell she was.

Her stories are getting a little wild, too. Though the press pretty much gave up on that a long time ago.

But Hillary don’t stop. I’ll give her that. I seen her at Branson, Mo., last year, opening for the Statler Brothers. Hell, they’re older than she is. She sang the Lord’s Prayer with them. There wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Miley Cyrus was there, too. Lord, she must be 40. When she was in rehab all those years Clinton was like a mother to her.
She sure ain't no quitter. I know she works the fair circuit out West. I seen where she was in Reno for the Rodeo last year. She usually gets down for the Air Show. Malls are good, too. She does a lot of them. Americans like to go to the mall and they don’t much care who pesters them there. She’ll pose for pictures, too.

It startles folks, but Americans are a good-natured bunch. They’ll put up with a lot. Lord knows, they put up with her.